Downeast Dog News

Ask Bammy, an Advice Column for Dogs by a Dog

Feb 01, 2020

I am a Carolina Dog, a breed that long ago owned Native American people. We were designed by natural selection to be so intelligent and physically superior that we survived without human help. My great-grandfather was caught from the wild. I can offer advice based on the natural instincts and attributes of wild dogs. In addition, my adoptive person and I have had lots of training classes and other experiences. Some humans call themselves Mom or Dad of their dog, but I refer to my human, tongue in cheek, as Boss. Much as I love her, I admit she has many of the same odd notions as most humans, so I can relate to other dogs with problem humans. If I can’t help, at least I can offer sympathy, and we can have some fun talking about our amazing humans. Please send your questions! N. Holmes, 280 Pond Rd., Newcastle, ME 04553, or email: askbammy@tidewater.

Dear Bammy,

I had the most awfulest experience yesterday you can imagine. It has happened before a few times, but always on a nice, hot sunny day. I should have seen it coming. Debbie took all the nice, mellow, doggy-smelling bedding out of my crate and stuffed it in that big white box thing that makes water noises and then shivers so hard the dishes rattle. After she got it all dried, she spread the cloths out flat in my bed again.

But that was just the beginning. While that was happening, she took me outside. She was carrying two buckets of water and a towel, so I tried to bolt, but she caught me and put on the leash. Then she poured warm water on me and rubbed me all over with a smelly thing. She scrubbed my hair the wrong way, poured on more water, rubbed more smelly stuff. I was just so disgusted and offended and miserable! I tried to get away, but she was standing on the leash. I was so upset I even thought of growling, but she read my mind and started cooing what a good dog I was, so I felt a little better.

After she had rubbed and scrubbed and poured both buckets of water on me, she undid the leash, and I ran to the end of the yard. But it’s winter. I was cold! I ran back and jumped up on the door. She wrapped the towel around me, but I got away again. Finally, she let me in the house, but she kept chasing me with the towel, trying to rub my hair the wrong way.

Even that wasn’t the end of it. She started playing with a little thing that made a loud humming. She wasn’t paying attention to me, but I was scared that it had to do with me. Right! She kept bringing it closer until I could feel that it was blowing warm air. YIKES! She kept patting and talking and blowing that thing at me. After a while the warm air did feel sort of good, but the little machine was terrifying.

Finally, finally she let me go. I ran to my crate and dove in. But, remember? She had my bedding all flattened out and smelling AWFUL! Like the worst flowers you can imagine. So not only did I have to dig and dig to make a nice, cozy hollow, but it didn’t smell like my bed anymore.

Bammy, please help me keep this from happening ever again!




Dear Scrubbed,

Good luck!